I'll bet she douches with gravy.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
