Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
