Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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