this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
