My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
