wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
