i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
