i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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