No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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