I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
