70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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