Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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