nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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