Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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