Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
