I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
