The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
