I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
