You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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