do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
