I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
