it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
