He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
