I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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