I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
