Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
