tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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