he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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