i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
