i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
