I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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