I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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