Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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