the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
