Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
