Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
