Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize