No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
