I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
