Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
