What a fucking waste of an outfit
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
