We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
