I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
