The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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