Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
