take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i believe in u and ur pee
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
