u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
