why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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