i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
