There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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