let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
