thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
