I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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