i love accidental penises.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
