I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
