Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
