3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
