textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
