the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
