I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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