yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
