Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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