when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
