textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
