i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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