If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize