So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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