Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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