my mouth tastes like poor choices
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
